Of Vacuums & Vibrators

*Not an ad…but really, they should pay me.

Since I started graduate school back in 2013, I’ve been essentially single. I know that’s a little less than 100 years of solitude, but in your twenties, even 6 months without sex can feel like a lifetime. But one enjoyable side effect of prolonged singleness can be an exciting dating life. What I have lacked in consistency, intimacy, and romance these past few years, I have made up for with weird, horrific, and sometimes heartbreaking dates. During my tenure I’ve been ghosted (more times than I count), offered money for sex (I respectfully declined), & I was asked to pee on someone (no kink shame, but this was the first date). And don’t get me wrong, I have also seen some awesome people: an adorably grumpy economist, a rad musician, & a tattoo speckled female minister (if any of you three are reading this, you are the highlights). But on the whole, my good connections have been fleeting and outweighed by the weirdness that is dating in the digital age.

But I’m actually not here to regale you with the wonderous woes of being a single bisexual in the South. While I always have the holy trinity of apps on my phone (tinder, bumble, hinge), after a particularly bad experience, I usually punctuate my usage with extended breaks. So instead, I thought I would share with all of you some of my “trade secrets” for singleness. Today’s post is dedicated to two things that are more enjoyable than tinder dates and far more pleasurable than sex (well, at least easily more pleasurable than trying to pee on someone).

First up, the Satisfyer Pro 2. If you have a vagina, this baby is MVP of single life. Adam & Eve, the preferred sex toy site if you still share an Amazon Prime account with your parents, describes the Satisfyer Pro as a “revolutionary clitoral stimulator [that] mimics the sensations of oral sex.” As Cosmo puts it, “Think: a guy going down on you, just more intense!” And according to one reviewer, the Satisfyer pro 2 is so intense that a friend “broke her ankle” while using it.

I am probably the #1 proselytizer of this toy. I have recommended or purchased it for at least a dozen women in my life. Every time I tell friends about it they kind of roll their eyes and say “I have orgasms, but I’ll humor you & get it this one time.” And after about 2 days with the Satisfyer Pro they all come back with some variation of “I didn’t know my body could do that.” Boom. My only caveat is this: the toy is so good that it can (and will) spoil sex with human beings for you. I mean has anyone ever given you an orgasm so intense that you broke your ankle? No one can measure up to the Satifyer Pro.

The second, and slightly less conventional source of fulfillment in the single life is a good vacuum cleaner. Sure, sex is alright but have you ever cleared out a house full of dog fur? Have you ever had the joy of seeing your carpet go from a dusty gray to its original stained red?  Have you ever had the supreme pleasure of emptying your cleaner of all that shit after a good session? The catharsis is unmatched.

If you still are unconvinced, it’s probably because you have the wrong vacuum cleaner. In another non-paid #ad I would like to introduce you to the Dyson V7 cordless vacuum. It’s cordless, pink, and sucks up pet fur like a fucking boss. I have found myself making messes just so I can vacuum them back up. It is expensive, but it’s the singular best purchase I have ever made (and I basically make scraps y’all). It is pure magic and will take you from lonely girl sitting in her own filth, to lonely girl sitting in a fucking majestically dustless palace. Maybe I’m revealing too much, but I cannot tell you how many disappointing dates I’ve gotten over by doing a quick vacuum.

Obviously, as I’ve been told many times, great orgasms & a spotless house are no substitutes for a relationship. Surely, they say, relationships are about more than sex. They are about honesty, intimacy, having a best friend. To this I always reply, “well that’s why I have my dog.”

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The Atheist Nun

A baby academic making her way in the world of Late Antiquity & beyond.

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